This "Season"

Well, it seems sometimes like this should get easier. I am aware of not crying as long or as hard sometimes, but the ache in my heart as I remember sweet days with David still cries out for that day again. As I hug an alligator given by friends who stayed with us in Florida in February, 2008, I remember such sweetness as we laughed together in a warm climate - truly enjoying every bit of a sweet life together - and, could it really have been 16 months ago? Is it possible that I have not heard David's laugh in person for that long? How can that be when it feels so real still? His companionship resounds in my heart, mind, spirit and body.
As I "push" forward - working with God on enjoying every single day He has gifted me with - I am given the grace to enjoy and treasure life - and I am very grateful. Is it possible to enjoy life while still feeling like part of me is missing?
I guess so, because part of me is missing. I haven't lost it. I know exactly where it is - in heaven - and I know I will be reunited with it again.
David used to say that life is 10% what happens and 90% your attitude, so I do choose an attitude of gratitude for the 90% of my life. But, I still want to acknowledge that the 10% of what happened last May, when Christ called David home, sometimes feels like 99% of what happened in my life instead of just 10%.
I am so grateful for God's grace to walk with us through tough times - He is so faithful and I am truly 100% grateful!
Love you, Mary

Pain - inevitable; Misery - optional

I remember a book called "Stick a Geranium in your Hat and be Happy" which encouraged us to focus on what is good about our lives. It's sub-title was "Pain is inevitable but misery is optional."
And, through God's gift of thankfulness, and Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things," I do believe misery can be optional.

I have learned this past year that it is extremely painful to walk forward in life without someone you love - David's graduation to heaven left a huge hole in my life.
So, I try to focus on whatever is true in a praiseworthy way - Trying to use thankfulness to fill the hole. I'm thanking God that when David's body gave out, He took him to heaven. I'm thanking God that every day of my life I remember many things he taught me. He was a good teacher and once thanked me for having a "teachable spirit". I'm so grateful for a teachable spirit that allowed us to enjoy each other so much.

Today, May 15, 2009, may you enjoy anything excellent or praiseworthy in your life. I know I am :) Love you, Mary

1st Anniversary

I think that it has taken me this year for reality to "set in" on releasing David to heaven. No longer can I think "last year at this time ..." because, now, last year at this time David was in heaven. All year long, I would wait for my life to get back to "normal". I've heard about finding a "new normal". I'm not sure there is a normal. I think part of our battle in enjoying life is acceptance of it - with all it's changes. Going forward, one day at a time, expecting God to supply manna for each day and keeping thoughts focused on the fact that we live for His glory. Easier said than done - but let's try :)
As my brother-in-law described his recent time spent in Florida with his wife to me today, my mind immediately wanted to scream out - "that is my life - or should be - with David!!" But, I quietly listened to his golf stories, nodded and moved on to another conversation with the reality/acceptance of "that is not my life anymore but was a wonderful way to live. David and I really enjoyed when God gave us that life."
So, I'm resting tonight so grateful for the wonderful family God has placed around me - the wonderful children and grandchildren who will make this world a better place because David influenced them.
And, I do love the song that speaks about finally making it home.
For, someday, I do plan on jumping into David's arms and telling him how much I missed him. Then hearing him say that he is proud of the woman I became. That is manna for tonight :)
Love you,
Mary

Sat., May 2, 2009

I'm choosing to write about the songs I'm playing this Saturday at David's gravesite, in remembrance of his holy passing from this world to heaven's glory.
If you get to hear "Find Us Faithful", this song speaks of those who come behind us finding that we were an example of faithfulness to God. I think it honors David's life to remember that we do remember his faithfulness. Secondly, the song "God and God Alone" puts the right perspective on God's position and our position. This song was the first one we both chose to be sung at our wedding in 1995. I think it is a fitting reminder of God's place in our marriage and lives.
Thirdly, the song "How Great Thou Art" is the song that God used to usher David into heaven (and used our voices - as ungifted as they are).
Steve Green on I-Tunes sings all three of these well, but Jack Lanenga used to sing "Find Us Faithful" at ECRC and I always touched heaven's shore hearing it!
May you enjoy music in remembrance of those you love :)
Have a sweet weekend, Mary

Caring Bridge

As I reread the Caring Bridge postings and responses from this time last year, I choose to post on it again. I'm not going to over analyze why, but do like outlets to write. This "anniversary" thing is much easier when it is a sweet memory, so I'm focusing on all God did to walk David and I through this time last year. I remember Christ's strength and provision each day. There is no way the human David and Mary could have handled David's loss of strength without depending on Christ's. I believe it says in 2 Corin. 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Christ's power was indeed perfect when David and I were weak.
May His grace be sufficient for you, as you walk through today -
Much love,
Mary

This is hard

As I walk through a beautiful morning, I want to run again. Run where? Just run. Keeping busy is definitely a way of handling emotional pain. I choose to sit down, close the door and weep as I look at pictures. It is a choice I'm making because I simply need to go through this instead of running from it.
So there it is - this is hard.
I'm not writing for sympathy - the Lord knows I don't want to spend too much time thinking about myself - because our lives are about honoring Jesus, not us.
So, I'm writing just to acknowledge the Truth. This is hard.
Doable, yes, but difficult.
I guess, eventually, it will strengthen me - or maybe just facing it strengthens me -we'll see! For right now, I'm facing the pain involved in missing David.
I'm still focused on how much God loves him and I - and I'm grateful for even getting to walk this earth as his friend and wife - so grateful that I'm missing his presence.
Love,
Mary

GRACE

When God says His grace is sufficient, I trust that. So, I ask for more grace everytime I get sad - and He blesses me with more.
We didn't choose "How Great Thou Art" on May 2nd, as David entered heaven. None of us were thinking clearly that morning. But, God was. I didn't even know the final verse, but God did.
"When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation and take me home, what joy shall fill my heart. Then I shall bow in humble adoration and then proclaim, "My God, How Great Thou Art."
I believe God ushered His servant, David, into heaven with David singing those words. It is a tremendous blessing and memory.
I've found some of David's answers to questions from his church in a pre-marital lesson. He notes that a woman he marries has to have Christ as her first love, because Christ was his first love.
This helps me be grateful that He is experiencing life with his first love.
And, finally, today, I want to send along my favorite quote to David:
"Even if we walked this earth together for a thousand years and I whispered a prayer of gratitude with every breath I took, even then, I could never thank God enough for the blessing of your love."
Have a blessed day, Mary