Getting Used To

I think I'm in the midst of a battle - as we all are - and this one has a name called "Getting Used To". I'm getting used to David not being home when I get here. I'm getting used to my time alone - I'm getting used to seeing his picture and realizing that any photo must be at least 17 months old. I'm getting used to the fact that my life is totally changed - yes, it is still good - but it is drastically changed and my life with him - on earth - can't come back.
I'm getting used to doing laundry for one - eating whatever I want whenever I want with no regards to mealtimes - enjoying something and not calling him to tell him about it - sleeping at night and waking up to my first thought of "oh yeah - David is in heaven" - having everything in the home stay where I put it - signing cards "I" instead of "We" - and finding a different kind of joy.
There is, indeed, joy every day. It is just different.
I called this a battle because it is. Part of me is still "fighting" to not accept this reality of change in my life. I'm accepting it, but, every once in a while, the rebellious Mary says - "I don't want to accept this." Therein lies the battle. Along with acceptance comes peace - and since I want peace, I must accept the facts. Reality. Change.
I kind of feel like an amputee - part of me has been taken away - yet, I have on a replacement part - I look okay and work well enough - but I'm just not as good as before the amputation. My life is good and works well enough - but it is just not as good as when David walked alongside me.
I could not have imagined God would ever give me the kind of life and love He gave me through David. Is it possible that I cannot imagine a future as wonderful that God still has planned? "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you hope and a future."
I do look forward to His plans.
Love,
Mary

Party!

Happy Sunday!
This is out of a book called HEAVEN by Randy Alcorn and it lifted my spirit today. I was not having as much peace as God offers, so I cried out to God and He answered through this wonderful book. I hope it gives you a "lift" like it did me :)

"Imagine someone takes you to a party. You see a few friends there, enjoy conversations, laughter and decent appetizers. The party is alright, but you keep hoping it will get better. Suddenly, your friend says, "I need to take you home." NOW?
You are disappointed - nobody wants to leave a party early - but you leave and your friend drops you off at your house. As you approach the door, you are feeling all alone and sorry for yourself. As you open the door and reach for the light switch, you sense someone's there. Your heart is in your throat and you flip on the light. "Surprise!" Your house is full of smiling people, familiar faces.
It's a party - for YOU. You smell your favorites - the tables are full - it is a feast! You recognize the guests, people you have not seen for a long time. Then, one by one, the people you most enjoyed at the party show up at your house, grinning. This turns out to be the REAL party. You realize that if you stayed longer at the other party, as you'd wanted, you wouldn't be at the real party - you'd be away from it.
Christians faced with terminal illness or imminent death often feel they are leaving the party before it is over. They have to go home early. They are disappointed, thinking of all they will miss when they leave. But, the TRUTH is, the real party is underway at home - precisely where they are going. They are not the ones missing the party; those of us left behind are (fortunately, if we know Jesus, we will get there eventually).
One by one, occasionally a few of us at a time, we will disappear from this world. Those we leave behind will grieve that their loved ones have left home. In reality, however, their believing loved ones aren't leaving home, they're going home. They'll be home before us. We'll be arriving at the party a little later."
Praise the Lord!
Love you, Mary

Further Away and Closer To

Each day brings me further away from the wonderful moments in time I spent with David that are captured in pictures around my home. As I glance at some photos tonight, I think - his presence in my life is getting further away. It stings a little less everytime I think of enjoying something together.
And, as the memories get further away, our future together gets closer. Each day that passes brings me closer to eternity. I get closer to seeing Jesus in Heaven and enjoying what plans He has for my future, which I know will include more time with David :)
So, I'm actually growing further away from David's physical presence here on earth, but closer to his physical presence in eternity. Quite a thought!
I was given a gift from God yesterday in Scripture.
I may have written about the elderly woman at the nursing home that gave me a "pearl of wisdom" when she said, "My husband has been gone for around six years. I miss him every day and I find joy every day." My reply to her was "That is my motto! Thank you!"
Well, yesterday, God showed me it was in His Word. May I share from 2 Corinthians 6:10 "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing". My motto.May God give you reason to rejoice - or, may you notice all the reasons in your life to rejoice and thank God :)
Love you, Mary

Season of Celebration or Grieving?

It hit me this morning - I was spending quiet time with Our Lord and asked Him if I was "grieving" okay - if He and David were okay with the way I was walking through this season. During the day, memories can bring tears of sadness and also a sweetness of remembrance of the gift of love that envelopes my heart - both are necessary during this season, as in all seasons of life, and I have a choice.
So, I'm trying to focus on celebrating - the sweetness of remembrance of the gift of love -
Love is such a gift. To think that your thoughts can center on someone else - want what is best for them even if it hurts you - wanting your life to bring joy to their world - wanting to bless them by your very involvement in their issues - wanting for them what you would want someone to want for you - love - the gift that keeps on giving.
I realized that Jesus gave us such perfect, amazing love when he suffered and died. He truly wanted what was best for us even when it hurt Him - He kept walking up that hill to Calvary. David kept fighting to stay on this earth, as all of us would, but when his body gave out, he accepted God's promise of heaven and walked triumphantly through the gift of grace to heaven's door.
The least I can do is celebrate - He is in a place so amazing I can only imagine how great he is feeling today - and I love him so much I celebrate his victory with Christ over death. Dwelling on the fact that while he is enjoying these great gifts from God, he needs to be absent from me physically - well, I won't dwell there. That would be keeping the focus on me instead of the celebration he is enjoying.
So, today I'm celebrating - and I thank God for loving us so much that He sent His Son, Jesus, to open the gates to heaven.
We are so immensely blessed to know Our Lord!
Love you,
Mary

Another Day?

Is there anything like another day? Another chance to enjoy life - another opportunity to experience 24 hours of wonder? Yes, also, another day remembering joy that can't be anymore - smiles and eyes that pull at your memory with sparkle yet fade into the past.
I'm trying to enjoy golf - I think the year of trying to stay in this sport without my coach has been kind of numb and the reality of it is sinking in - I'm not good, but with David's coaching, I played well. As I gently take the club head back in my swing, I hear his voice saying "lower, longer, hon - like sweeping with a broom - keep the broom on the floor longer before lifting it". Pain - there it is again - I won't golf with him until we are in heaven together. Tears - you would think I would have dried up the well by now - but here they are again.
This is hard - I'm determined to enjoy life - determined to believe and hope for a bright future because Jesus and David live - determined -
So, why can emotions be so powerful and steal my joy? How can it become so difficult to golf with joy sometimes - or enjoy a meal without thinking of what he would be eating or ordering? How do I continue to go on without him next to me in the evening? One day at a time - Sometimes, one hour at a time -
So, this posting is kind of a lament - and I'm truly hoping it can be received as a way of grieving that is necessary - I think I need to go through this pain - these days of missing him so strongly - in order to get to the other side of this.
I'm not sure what the other side looks like for anyone else, but the other side for me is gratefulness - and I am swimming in it most days. Swimming - counting my blessings - focusing on all I had with this wonderful man - and thanking God for each and every minute I got to have him in my life.
Have a blessed, grateful kind of hour :)
Mary

Wisdom

I beleive the best wisdom comes from Scripture, but God can use anyone, or anything, to speak wisdom to us, if we have ears to hear.
Visiting with her in the nursing home, she told me she was "in her 90's" as we sat on the bench and shared some time together in the garden near the little waterfall. "My husband passed around 6 years ago," she said. "We had been married many, many years." And, then it hit me. The pearl of wisdom I took from our conversation: "I try to enjoy every day and I miss him every day." And, then she grinned.
Simple really. But, profound for me. My motto. I try to enjoy every day and I miss him every day. And, I trust that will be the story of my life until I see him again - face to face in heaven.
In the meantime, may you enjoy every day - by God's grace and favor.
For Jesus' Glory, Mary

Equally Yoked

There was a time when David considered a franchise, as a business opportunity, in a company called Equally Yoked. This company tries to help single Christians meet other single Christians.
I've decided to contact them.
There is pain in missing David and some of the pain is in being alone at events.
I realized that I will always miss David - until I see him again in heaven.
But, I actually thought that I had to miss him - sit in this pain - as a way of preserving our love. I think I was holding on to the memories in a painful way. For me, there was so much fun in being a couple - he made my life and each event sweeter. So, because of him, I want to be open to being a couple again.
This is, I think, bringing some extra hope into my life. Hope of more and more of Christ's love for me through humans. And, hope of a little less pain.
Now, I know Christ is all things to each of us Christians and will continue to be the love of my life. David will be second (though, he and I agreed our children were tied for second in each other's lives).
I trust the Lord to bring more and more hope into your life - He is a God of hope and love - and we are so blessed to know Him!
For Jesus' Glory, Mary