"Well"

When someone asks how I am doing, I usually say "wonderful, great, etc." and I mean it. Yesterday, when a friend asked and I spoke to her about God taking away my desire to move to Kansas City - God assuring me that I belonged in Aurora, she mentioned that she didn't know I had wanted to move - that I had "hid it well". I'm writing today because I'm not hiding anything. I am usually - 85% of the time - doing wonderful, great, etc. and that is what most of my friends and family will see. There is, however, a small percentage of me that, ever since David went to heaven, wants to run. I think psychologists call this the "fight or flight" way of relating. This feeling of wanting to run - and keep running - may be associated with the desire to get away from the pain of staying. You see, staying means facing all the usual things you shared with someone wonderful - facing them differently. When they were so good together, you really don't want to face them differently. Now, I know, different can be good, also, but the "wonder" of these experiences, places and times together is something you don't want to see different. You want to keep them. And, it seems like it is easier to keep them if you go somewhere new - somewhere else. At least, it has seemed that way for me. The pain of staying is associated with "losing" this wonderful person's participation alongside you - so it seems sweeter to start something new so those places and times together can stay very sweet and don't have to be different.
I've been given a great gift. I've been given a relationship with a living God who walks with me and talks with me throughout every decision I make.
As we were talking recently, it became clear to me that my life - a wonderful life David set up in Aurora - has a great future. I can stay living in a wonderful home with wonderful neighbors and utilize a sport David and I love - what an honor.
It is almost like God and David set this up for me and I wanted to run from it because I couldn't share it any longer with David.
So, if you ask how I am doing - I am doing wonderful - 85% of the time.
Love you,
Mary