Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Wonder Of It All

It seems so easy to see "wonder" at this time of year. So many signs of Christ being present - in conversations, greetings and gift exchanging. The ultimate, original gift of Christmas being God's Son, Jesus, makes our gift giving so minor in comparison. But, every small token of love given expresses a small piece of wonder. Thinking of others - keeping the focus off of ourselves - it is a great time of the year.
Keeping the focus on Jesus can be difficult - we are pulled in so many different directions for our attention - feasting, gathering, remembering and shopping - oh my - there is a battle to be won.
Christ won a battle for me with a visual aid on Christmas Eve. I had spent most of the day remembering all that David loved about Christmas Eve. Appetizers, candle light at service, children, grandchildren, gift giving - he loved it all - and I was "drunk" with memories that were sweet yet painful. Later that evening, I watched my 5 year old granddaughter carefully hold her cousin - a baby who was enjoying the family - yet, the 5 year old was coughing. We hoped she would keep a little distance from her baby cousin in order to not pass anything on to her. It was a selfless thing to do and not quite understood by a 5 year old who wanted the presence of her cousin on her lap.
Then, I saw myself - wanting to hold David and not being selfless - not accepting our distance apart for now and being selfish.
I remember saying to the 5 year old - "you will be able to be with her again, but for today, it is good for her that you keep your distance" and I realized those words were meant for me. I will be able to be with David again, but for today, it is good for him and me (and all I get to be with) to keep my distance.
I think God is so good to give me a selfless visual - I can see now what selflessness looks like for me - or should - if I keep my focus on God.
I expect each day to be brighter - what an amazing God we serve!
Enjoy the Wonder of His Season for Giving - and His greatest Gift - His Son who purchased eternity for us! Amazing.
Love you,

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Well, how awesome is God to continue to teach us throughout seasons of life! I am feeling so much growth in so many areas and wanted to share a huge one for me.
Over the past year and a half - yes - as of yesterday it has been a year and a half since David went to heaven - and over that time, thoughts of fellowship with others have taken me to many places. One important place for me was thoughts of not being able to have David as my partner - and, OH - how I loved having him as my partner. So, I entertained thoughts of another partner someday who would pour into my life some of the wonder David poured into it. I knew I would be happy with just a sampling of what we shared together in another relationship.
Last month, the Lord spoke to me about pursuing my relationship with Him and no other partner. I really appreciate the wisdom of that more each day. I've come to believe that the reason I should pour my time and energy into my relationship with Jesus is because my heart is already full of the love for David and Jesus - I don't need to think of anyone else. This may sound simplistic, but I was confused with thoughts of needing to find another partner because I couldn't have that relationship with David any longer. Christ has shown me that I still have that relationship with David - somehow, my love for him continues to grow - "absense makes the heart grow fonder" - and I can honestly say that I love him more and more each day.
So, I am not only content, but excited to be through with thoughts of other partners - I am holding onto the love of the most wonderful partner God created for me and the love of the most wonderful Creator of my heart, Jesus Christ. I am totally fulfilled to overflowing with love from these two and looking forward to the future with, I think, a proper perspective for my heart.
May we all find proper perspectives that work for our lives - it was for freedom that Christ set us free - I feel so free!
Praise the Lord, Mary

Thursday, October 22, 2009

New thoughts

These thoughts may not be new to you - but today I realized something new to me. While playing with my five month old granddaughter, I realized the dramatic changes that take place when people become parents. The multitude of things that change - which includes the use of your time - because now your time is not your own. You must put someone else first - and that includes if you would like to sleep :)
Also, when you begin dating someone or get married, these same type of changes take place. Suddenly, your usage of time is determined by considering someone else first. Another person is factored into your decision making and choices - and you usually choose to meet the other person's needs first before thinking of your own.
Now, this may sound simple, but it has helped me.
You see, because of these thoughts, I feel so "normal". The adjustment of our time when we lose someone who has played an important role in the quality and quantity of our time each day is simply the reverse of gaining someone important to the quality and quantity of your time each day. Each has a huge adjustment period and sacrifices need to be made for both.
God has gotten me through many sleepless nights as a new parent, when I had no energy myself. His grace has been sufficient when He has added people to love to my life.
Because of this, I know He will get me through many years of missing David, especially when I have no energy myself to keep going. His grace is sufficient when He has called someone I love home.
It is that simple.
His grace is sufficient.
Love you,

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Getting Used To

I think I'm in the midst of a battle - as we all are - and this one has a name called "Getting Used To". I'm getting used to David not being home when I get here. I'm getting used to my time alone - I'm getting used to seeing his picture and realizing that any photo must be at least 17 months old. I'm getting used to the fact that my life is totally changed - yes, it is still good - but it is drastically changed and my life with him - on earth - can't come back.
I'm getting used to doing laundry for one - eating whatever I want whenever I want with no regards to mealtimes - enjoying something and not calling him to tell him about it - sleeping at night and waking up to my first thought of "oh yeah - David is in heaven" - having everything in the home stay where I put it - signing cards "I" instead of "We" - and finding a different kind of joy.
There is, indeed, joy every day. It is just different.
I called this a battle because it is. Part of me is still "fighting" to not accept this reality of change in my life. I'm accepting it, but, every once in a while, the rebellious Mary says - "I don't want to accept this." Therein lies the battle. Along with acceptance comes peace - and since I want peace, I must accept the facts. Reality. Change.
I kind of feel like an amputee - part of me has been taken away - yet, I have on a replacement part - I look okay and work well enough - but I'm just not as good as before the amputation. My life is good and works well enough - but it is just not as good as when David walked alongside me.
I could not have imagined God would ever give me the kind of life and love He gave me through David. Is it possible that I cannot imagine a future as wonderful that God still has planned? "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you hope and a future."
I do look forward to His plans.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Happy Sunday!
This is out of a book called HEAVEN by Randy Alcorn and it lifted my spirit today. I was not having as much peace as God offers, so I cried out to God and He answered through this wonderful book. I hope it gives you a "lift" like it did me :)

"Imagine someone takes you to a party. You see a few friends there, enjoy conversations, laughter and decent appetizers. The party is alright, but you keep hoping it will get better. Suddenly, your friend says, "I need to take you home." NOW?
You are disappointed - nobody wants to leave a party early - but you leave and your friend drops you off at your house. As you approach the door, you are feeling all alone and sorry for yourself. As you open the door and reach for the light switch, you sense someone's there. Your heart is in your throat and you flip on the light. "Surprise!" Your house is full of smiling people, familiar faces.
It's a party - for YOU. You smell your favorites - the tables are full - it is a feast! You recognize the guests, people you have not seen for a long time. Then, one by one, the people you most enjoyed at the party show up at your house, grinning. This turns out to be the REAL party. You realize that if you stayed longer at the other party, as you'd wanted, you wouldn't be at the real party - you'd be away from it.
Christians faced with terminal illness or imminent death often feel they are leaving the party before it is over. They have to go home early. They are disappointed, thinking of all they will miss when they leave. But, the TRUTH is, the real party is underway at home - precisely where they are going. They are not the ones missing the party; those of us left behind are (fortunately, if we know Jesus, we will get there eventually).
One by one, occasionally a few of us at a time, we will disappear from this world. Those we leave behind will grieve that their loved ones have left home. In reality, however, their believing loved ones aren't leaving home, they're going home. They'll be home before us. We'll be arriving at the party a little later."
Praise the Lord!
Love you, Mary

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Further Away and Closer To

Each day brings me further away from the wonderful moments in time I spent with David that are captured in pictures around my home. As I glance at some photos tonight, I think - his presence in my life is getting further away. It stings a little less everytime I think of enjoying something together.
And, as the memories get further away, our future together gets closer. Each day that passes brings me closer to eternity. I get closer to seeing Jesus in Heaven and enjoying what plans He has for my future, which I know will include more time with David :)
So, I'm actually growing further away from David's physical presence here on earth, but closer to his physical presence in eternity. Quite a thought!
I was given a gift from God yesterday in Scripture.
I may have written about the elderly woman at the nursing home that gave me a "pearl of wisdom" when she said, "My husband has been gone for around six years. I miss him every day and I find joy every day." My reply to her was "That is my motto! Thank you!"
Well, yesterday, God showed me it was in His Word. May I share from 2 Corinthians 6:10 "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing". My motto.May God give you reason to rejoice - or, may you notice all the reasons in your life to rejoice and thank God :)
Love you, Mary

Friday, August 28, 2009

Season of Celebration or Grieving?

It hit me this morning - I was spending quiet time with Our Lord and asked Him if I was "grieving" okay - if He and David were okay with the way I was walking through this season. During the day, memories can bring tears of sadness and also a sweetness of remembrance of the gift of love that envelopes my heart - both are necessary during this season, as in all seasons of life, and I have a choice.
So, I'm trying to focus on celebrating - the sweetness of remembrance of the gift of love -
Love is such a gift. To think that your thoughts can center on someone else - want what is best for them even if it hurts you - wanting your life to bring joy to their world - wanting to bless them by your very involvement in their issues - wanting for them what you would want someone to want for you - love - the gift that keeps on giving.
I realized that Jesus gave us such perfect, amazing love when he suffered and died. He truly wanted what was best for us even when it hurt Him - He kept walking up that hill to Calvary. David kept fighting to stay on this earth, as all of us would, but when his body gave out, he accepted God's promise of heaven and walked triumphantly through the gift of grace to heaven's door.
The least I can do is celebrate - He is in a place so amazing I can only imagine how great he is feeling today - and I love him so much I celebrate his victory with Christ over death. Dwelling on the fact that while he is enjoying these great gifts from God, he needs to be absent from me physically - well, I won't dwell there. That would be keeping the focus on me instead of the celebration he is enjoying.
So, today I'm celebrating - and I thank God for loving us so much that He sent His Son, Jesus, to open the gates to heaven.
We are so immensely blessed to know Our Lord!
Love you,

Monday, July 27, 2009

Another Day?

Is there anything like another day? Another chance to enjoy life - another opportunity to experience 24 hours of wonder? Yes, also, another day remembering joy that can't be anymore - smiles and eyes that pull at your memory with sparkle yet fade into the past.
I'm trying to enjoy golf - I think the year of trying to stay in this sport without my coach has been kind of numb and the reality of it is sinking in - I'm not good, but with David's coaching, I played well. As I gently take the club head back in my swing, I hear his voice saying "lower, longer, hon - like sweeping with a broom - keep the broom on the floor longer before lifting it". Pain - there it is again - I won't golf with him until we are in heaven together. Tears - you would think I would have dried up the well by now - but here they are again.
This is hard - I'm determined to enjoy life - determined to believe and hope for a bright future because Jesus and David live - determined -
So, why can emotions be so powerful and steal my joy? How can it become so difficult to golf with joy sometimes - or enjoy a meal without thinking of what he would be eating or ordering? How do I continue to go on without him next to me in the evening? One day at a time - Sometimes, one hour at a time -
So, this posting is kind of a lament - and I'm truly hoping it can be received as a way of grieving that is necessary - I think I need to go through this pain - these days of missing him so strongly - in order to get to the other side of this.
I'm not sure what the other side looks like for anyone else, but the other side for me is gratefulness - and I am swimming in it most days. Swimming - counting my blessings - focusing on all I had with this wonderful man - and thanking God for each and every minute I got to have him in my life.
Have a blessed, grateful kind of hour :)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I beleive the best wisdom comes from Scripture, but God can use anyone, or anything, to speak wisdom to us, if we have ears to hear.
Visiting with her in the nursing home, she told me she was "in her 90's" as we sat on the bench and shared some time together in the garden near the little waterfall. "My husband passed around 6 years ago," she said. "We had been married many, many years." And, then it hit me. The pearl of wisdom I took from our conversation: "I try to enjoy every day and I miss him every day." And, then she grinned.
Simple really. But, profound for me. My motto. I try to enjoy every day and I miss him every day. And, I trust that will be the story of my life until I see him again - face to face in heaven.
In the meantime, may you enjoy every day - by God's grace and favor.
For Jesus' Glory, Mary

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Equally Yoked

There was a time when David considered a franchise, as a business opportunity, in a company called Equally Yoked. This company tries to help single Christians meet other single Christians.
I've decided to contact them.
There is pain in missing David and some of the pain is in being alone at events.
I realized that I will always miss David - until I see him again in heaven.
But, I actually thought that I had to miss him - sit in this pain - as a way of preserving our love. I think I was holding on to the memories in a painful way. For me, there was so much fun in being a couple - he made my life and each event sweeter. So, because of him, I want to be open to being a couple again.
This is, I think, bringing some extra hope into my life. Hope of more and more of Christ's love for me through humans. And, hope of a little less pain.
Now, I know Christ is all things to each of us Christians and will continue to be the love of my life. David will be second (though, he and I agreed our children were tied for second in each other's lives).
I trust the Lord to bring more and more hope into your life - He is a God of hope and love - and we are so blessed to know Him!
For Jesus' Glory, Mary

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

This "Season"

Well, it seems sometimes like this should get easier. I am aware of not crying as long or as hard sometimes, but the ache in my heart as I remember sweet days with David still cries out for that day again. As I hug an alligator given by friends who stayed with us in Florida in February, 2008, I remember such sweetness as we laughed together in a warm climate - truly enjoying every bit of a sweet life together - and, could it really have been 16 months ago? Is it possible that I have not heard David's laugh in person for that long? How can that be when it feels so real still? His companionship resounds in my heart, mind, spirit and body.
As I "push" forward - working with God on enjoying every single day He has gifted me with - I am given the grace to enjoy and treasure life - and I am very grateful. Is it possible to enjoy life while still feeling like part of me is missing?
I guess so, because part of me is missing. I haven't lost it. I know exactly where it is - in heaven - and I know I will be reunited with it again.
David used to say that life is 10% what happens and 90% your attitude, so I do choose an attitude of gratitude for the 90% of my life. But, I still want to acknowledge that the 10% of what happened last May, when Christ called David home, sometimes feels like 99% of what happened in my life instead of just 10%.
I am so grateful for God's grace to walk with us through tough times - He is so faithful and I am truly 100% grateful!
Love you, Mary

Friday, May 15, 2009

Pain - inevitable; Misery - optional

I remember a book called "Stick a Geranium in your Hat and be Happy" which encouraged us to focus on what is good about our lives. It's sub-title was "Pain is inevitable but misery is optional."
And, through God's gift of thankfulness, and Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things," I do believe misery can be optional.

I have learned this past year that it is extremely painful to walk forward in life without someone you love - David's graduation to heaven left a huge hole in my life.
So, I try to focus on whatever is true in a praiseworthy way - Trying to use thankfulness to fill the hole. I'm thanking God that when David's body gave out, He took him to heaven. I'm thanking God that every day of my life I remember many things he taught me. He was a good teacher and once thanked me for having a "teachable spirit". I'm so grateful for a teachable spirit that allowed us to enjoy each other so much.

Today, May 15, 2009, may you enjoy anything excellent or praiseworthy in your life. I know I am :) Love you, Mary

Saturday, May 2, 2009

1st Anniversary

I think that it has taken me this year for reality to "set in" on releasing David to heaven. No longer can I think "last year at this time ..." because, now, last year at this time David was in heaven. All year long, I would wait for my life to get back to "normal". I've heard about finding a "new normal". I'm not sure there is a normal. I think part of our battle in enjoying life is acceptance of it - with all it's changes. Going forward, one day at a time, expecting God to supply manna for each day and keeping thoughts focused on the fact that we live for His glory. Easier said than done - but let's try :)
As my brother-in-law described his recent time spent in Florida with his wife to me today, my mind immediately wanted to scream out - "that is my life - or should be - with David!!" But, I quietly listened to his golf stories, nodded and moved on to another conversation with the reality/acceptance of "that is not my life anymore but was a wonderful way to live. David and I really enjoyed when God gave us that life."
So, I'm resting tonight so grateful for the wonderful family God has placed around me - the wonderful children and grandchildren who will make this world a better place because David influenced them.
And, I do love the song that speaks about finally making it home.
For, someday, I do plan on jumping into David's arms and telling him how much I missed him. Then hearing him say that he is proud of the woman I became. That is manna for tonight :)
Love you,

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sat., May 2, 2009

I'm choosing to write about the songs I'm playing this Saturday at David's gravesite, in remembrance of his holy passing from this world to heaven's glory.
If you get to hear "Find Us Faithful", this song speaks of those who come behind us finding that we were an example of faithfulness to God. I think it honors David's life to remember that we do remember his faithfulness. Secondly, the song "God and God Alone" puts the right perspective on God's position and our position. This song was the first one we both chose to be sung at our wedding in 1995. I think it is a fitting reminder of God's place in our marriage and lives.
Thirdly, the song "How Great Thou Art" is the song that God used to usher David into heaven (and used our voices - as ungifted as they are).
Steve Green on I-Tunes sings all three of these well, but Jack Lanenga used to sing "Find Us Faithful" at ECRC and I always touched heaven's shore hearing it!
May you enjoy music in remembrance of those you love :)
Have a sweet weekend, Mary

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Caring Bridge

As I reread the Caring Bridge postings and responses from this time last year, I choose to post on it again. I'm not going to over analyze why, but do like outlets to write. This "anniversary" thing is much easier when it is a sweet memory, so I'm focusing on all God did to walk David and I through this time last year. I remember Christ's strength and provision each day. There is no way the human David and Mary could have handled David's loss of strength without depending on Christ's. I believe it says in 2 Corin. 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Christ's power was indeed perfect when David and I were weak.
May His grace be sufficient for you, as you walk through today -
Much love,

Thursday, April 9, 2009

This is hard

As I walk through a beautiful morning, I want to run again. Run where? Just run. Keeping busy is definitely a way of handling emotional pain. I choose to sit down, close the door and weep as I look at pictures. It is a choice I'm making because I simply need to go through this instead of running from it.
So there it is - this is hard.
I'm not writing for sympathy - the Lord knows I don't want to spend too much time thinking about myself - because our lives are about honoring Jesus, not us.
So, I'm writing just to acknowledge the Truth. This is hard.
Doable, yes, but difficult.
I guess, eventually, it will strengthen me - or maybe just facing it strengthens me -we'll see! For right now, I'm facing the pain involved in missing David.
I'm still focused on how much God loves him and I - and I'm grateful for even getting to walk this earth as his friend and wife - so grateful that I'm missing his presence.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


When God says His grace is sufficient, I trust that. So, I ask for more grace everytime I get sad - and He blesses me with more.
We didn't choose "How Great Thou Art" on May 2nd, as David entered heaven. None of us were thinking clearly that morning. But, God was. I didn't even know the final verse, but God did.
"When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation and take me home, what joy shall fill my heart. Then I shall bow in humble adoration and then proclaim, "My God, How Great Thou Art."
I believe God ushered His servant, David, into heaven with David singing those words. It is a tremendous blessing and memory.
I've found some of David's answers to questions from his church in a pre-marital lesson. He notes that a woman he marries has to have Christ as her first love, because Christ was his first love.
This helps me be grateful that He is experiencing life with his first love.
And, finally, today, I want to send along my favorite quote to David:
"Even if we walked this earth together for a thousand years and I whispered a prayer of gratitude with every breath I took, even then, I could never thank God enough for the blessing of your love."
Have a blessed day, Mary

Sunday, March 29, 2009


The Caring Bridge web-site truly blessed our lives last year. And, now, it is blessing mine again. I had a booklet made out of all the postings - both ours and yours - and am reading what David and I posted and your responses - each day of the battle last year at this time.
I am, again, amazed at the prayers, love and support we were given and I continue to receive from so many wonderful people. Jesus' love, through you, truly blessed us and continues to bless me. So, Thank You!
Thank you for remembering us in prayer - thank you for remembering us by posting encouragement, sending cards, telephone calls, meals - THANK YOU.

Last night, I attended a Chris Tomlin concert at the Sears Center and, being sold out, it was amazing to watch so many people worship Jesus. Chris played many songs that brought sweet tears to my eyes - how much Jesus loves us and how much we are, through Jesus' love, able to love others. Also, how much we miss people we love. Yet, since God is God and I am not :), I am always brought to my knees in humble adoration of this wonderful relationship that God allows. Because David and I both shared this wonderful relationship with Jesus, I know I will see David again and can look forward to that day.

Until then, it is important to remain grateful - and I am. This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! I pray you will enjoy a grateful heart, also.

God bless you today, Mary

Friday, March 20, 2009

March 21, 2009

Well, here is the beginning of the anniversary. Tomorrow, March 21, is exactly one year to the day that the Dr. found fluid "where it shouldn't be" in David's body. One week later, March 28, we heard this fluid had cancer cells in it. As I have written already about expecting to be thankful during this anniversary season, I admit that there is growth and grieving (thanks, Gail!). Growth in my appreciation of all this wonderful man contributed to my life and grieving the loss of his presence.
My car broke down yesterday and I had plumbing problems - two things he loved to deal with. Even though I felt God's presence and guidance (He sent Ellen with me, so I was not alone and we could have had an accident on 294, but the Lord somehow allowed the car to roll off an exit), I still missed telling David what happened. I got used to sharing fixing things with him. He was a great partner :)
God has given me many years without a husband before meeting David, but, the bottom line is from the Bible - "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him." We suited each other well. I miss him.
So, I understand bittersweet - it is bitter to lose someone you love, yet sweet as the Lord provides everything you need.
May you be blessed with everything you need today - God is our provider!
Love, Mary

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Really - and Anniversaries

Really? Was I carrying unnecessary guilt? After a difficult weekend with a lot of grieving tears two weeks ago, I decided to seek answers from a professional. I asked the receptionist for an appointment with a counselor that had a degree in divinity - I wanted answers from someone who knew the Bible well.
After telling her some of David and my story, and how God met us at every turn during the five weeks we handled his diagnosis, she simply asked me why I was taking a gift and picking it apart - she said that I was implying that God's grace was not sufficient enough to get me and David through that difficult season. I had been feeling guilty about some things I may not have done or said "right". Unnecessary guilt. God's grace is sufficient and it allowed me to minister to my wonderful husband wonderfully - not because I am wonderful, but because God's grace is!
I walked out of her office free - free from guilt. I am now able to enjoy the memory of a difficult season because God is good and was providing everything David and I needed each day.
March 28th begins the 1st anniversary of those five weeks. We first heard David had cancer on Friday, March 28th and he went home to heaven on Friday, May 2nd.
Anniversaries are interesting. We can choose to remember the gift of those days and celebrate God's love or we can be reminded of the anniversary with painful memories. I'm choosing to remember the gift - choosing to thank God for the gift of His presence during a difficult season - thanking Him for His faithfulness and amazing grace that drew David and I closer to Him as He walked David to heaven.
I pray your anniversaries are gifts!
Love you, Mary

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Making All Things New

Let's. Let's join Christ when He promises to make all things new. I certainly can use some new things - like a new attitude when my joy is stolen :)
I choose joy and try to say each morning "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." And, even with a comedian at church today, my joy seems short lived. It comes and goes - kind of like a breeze - I don't see it coming or going - it is just there and then it is gone.
I guess that is the reality of a "season of grieving". Our emotions kind of play their own game and our minds can't always stay on top of them.
For the most part, life is so much easier when we are joyful. Real joy - like belly laughing, tickling, singing a song, humming a tune. I remember a gentleman humming at work the other day and I stopped to listen - not that I knew the tune - I just wanted to enjoy his enjoyment of his work.
Remember Disney's "whistle while you work" song? I do. It had a good message. I'm in a battle for my joy and I'm going to take a stand and get it back - allowing Christ to make all things new :)
I think David would like that - his attitude was always to try to be grateful. Even if it seems difficult, we can find something to be grateful for in every situation.
Gratefulness probably leads to whistling - or maybe whistling leads to gratefulness. Oh well, we'll see - I'll try both -
Have a grateful, whistling while you work kind of week -

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Drinking In A Memory

Drinking in the memory – standing in Stienmart in Florida – looking around slowly at the ladies clothes – there it is again – David over there – looking at clothes for me. “Hon, try this.” As common as the sun greeting us each morning over the ocean, his shopping - helping me find outfits - was a usual occurrence in Florida. Slowly walking around the racks, drinking in the smell, closing my eyes to feel the floor below – the same floor he walked with me so many times – steadying myself as the tears begin to flow – enjoying the sweet aroma of this memory.
Sue and I visited 412 – the unit David and I revamped and lived in for over 6 years. We purchased it with pink carpeting and pink grass cloth wallpaper. We rented wallpaper steamers and worked hard to make it beautiful. Then, we hired Claude who tiled the entire unit and took off the popcorn ceiling. We spent a lot of time picking out the right furniture and David spent every evening, after dinner, on the porch watching the ocean and stars. He would slowly step back in, when he was ready for bed, having become inebriated on ocean breezes and moonlight.
When Sue and I saw it, the new owner had changed the unit so much that I didn’t shed a tear. I was expecting to cry out of a desire to be back in the unit with David and all I felt was that David and our unit was gone. It was actually easier to see it changed.
Sometimes, I heal through memories - walking through them. Sometimes I heal by going forward and seeing things changed. Either way, healing is a process for which I am eternally grateful. I begin to accept that many wonderful things I enjoyed with David may not be able to take place again this side of heaven, but will, by the grace of God, still continue to strengthen the love in my heart for him.
May God give you His peace and love with your memories.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Wonderful Love Day :)

Oh - what a wonderful day to celebrate love! Valentine's Day is one of the greatest gifts - just celebrating love. I decided not to focus too much on missing my wonderful husband and to focus on giving love to others. I just gave out candy bags with notes to 16 people in a nursing home. What fun!
One of the notes said, "You are Special" with a Scripture verse beneath it. Isabel, upon reading it, looked at me and asked "Who says I am special?" I said, "Me and God think you are special." "WHO?" she asked. "ME and (pointing upward)GOD!" "Oh", she said, "Because I always thought I was special."
I am overjoyed right now with God's love - overjoyed that when I set out to give love to others, He gave me such a tremendous outpouring of joy!
David used to say that if you feel sorry for yourself, focus on helping someone else. Well, David was right (again :)!!
I celebrate God's gift of Valentine's Day and how much He loves each of us!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Walking with God

As I took a morning walk, taking advantage of 57 degree weather, I asked the Lord and David to walk with me. Listening to the worship songs Ellen put together in our I-Pod for David, the walk began with tears of sweet walk memories with my husband and moved into a time of praise and thanksgiving to my Lord. As I turned the halfway stretch, I began to notice all the litter along the path and thought "If I had known, I would have brought a large garbage bag and one of those sticks to pick some of this up." I walked a little further and, blowing toward me on the sidewalk was a huge empty plastic bag. A very clean bag that must have held many gallons of rice for the school nearby blew right next to me. I picked it up and began bending over as I walked - picking up pop cans, beer bottles, newspapers, styrofoam pieces, juice boxes, milk jugs etc. (even some rice krispie treats)! I looked up to the clouds and said - "Okay, you knew, even though I didn't, that it would be a nice walk for picking up garbage." The bag was full by the time I got home.
He walks with us, He talks to us, He comforts us, He knows. Our Lord knows.
I am so grateful.
For Jesus glory,

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Letting Go Of Anger

Tonight, I went with Ellen to her church because she wanted to see a special singer. I was convicted, during the message, that I was harboring some anger. It would show itself at different times. Sometimes, I had a strong desire to run - nowhere in particular, just run - run away from reality, I guess. Other times, it showed itself by a desire to throw something - wanting to break something. Finally, the anger showed itself in a desire to say some not nice words.

I remember the day I invited the anger in. David and I had just found out his cancer was in his brain and I left to get him some medication. I ran into Dave and Sara in our driveway. They are wonderful friends who listened to me say some frustrated garbage - appropriate, maybe, yet not what I would have liked to have come out of my mouth. They, then, visited Dave while I went to pick up the prescription.

Well, those not nice words were trying to exit my mouth this week, also. I knew they were connected to my anger at what happened to my wonderful husband.

But, after talking to God in prayer during and after the service tonight, I believe I am healed from this anger. I am so grateful. I cannot always be the woman I desire to be, but, now that this anger is gone, I think that Christ has a better chance of operating through my mouth. And, I have a better chance of living in peace, now that the anger produced desires to run and/or throw things is gone :)

May you, and those you love, be blessed with less anger in your lives.

Much love, Mary

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Up and down

Wow - can we go up and down easy. I truly meant it, four hours ago, when I was asked how I was doing and I said "great"! I meant it.
And, I know I'm tired tonight - last night enjoying an overnight with the wonderful grandchildren who can take away a few hours of a good night's sleep, but still make it fun :)
But, missing my best friend. Missing telling stories about how my day was - stories about what I'm thinking and feeling - and having him listen and, then, slowly processing my thoughts and giving me his. David was a wonderful listener. He would really process what I said and give feedback. He allowed me to make mistakes and gently corrected them in my relationships with others or he would encourage me to not spend too much time with others who crossed boundaries.
He had an amazing, sharp sense of discernment and chose who to spend time with thoughtfully.
Wow, I miss his presence in my life. God in him was amazing.
Have a blessed evening,

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Well, it was a day of being reminded that we live for God's glory. What matters is that Jesus would be glorified in all we say and do - each day - each moment of each day. God seemed to assure me of something David and I discussed a long time ago. Jesus is David's first love. That means that David is with his first love. How wonderful it is to remember how joy filled David is right now - literally basking in God's glory - seeing His face. I can say that David glorified God with each day of his battle. He truly lived for God's glory, not his own. And, that will continue to be my goal.
As I drove to Harvest this morning, to enjoy Ellen in the choir, God directed me to see a good friend, Sue, and her family, driving to Harvest. So I followed them and was blessed to sit with them. God surrounds us with His amazing people. He cares so much for each of us - loves us so much more than we could imagine.
Can you feel His love? Can you enjoy it?
I see His glory in faces singing out to Him in praise - many of them hurting hearts, yet smiling faces because they are bringing glory to God, not themselves.
May He surround you with His amazing people - and may you bask in the radiance of His glory which seems to splash on me when I worship Him. And, then, when He splashes His glory on you, may you take it to light up anywhere in your world that may be dark.
For Jesus' Glory, Mary