Getting Used To

I think I'm in the midst of a battle - as we all are - and this one has a name called "Getting Used To". I'm getting used to David not being home when I get here. I'm getting used to my time alone - I'm getting used to seeing his picture and realizing that any photo must be at least 17 months old. I'm getting used to the fact that my life is totally changed - yes, it is still good - but it is drastically changed and my life with him - on earth - can't come back.
I'm getting used to doing laundry for one - eating whatever I want whenever I want with no regards to mealtimes - enjoying something and not calling him to tell him about it - sleeping at night and waking up to my first thought of "oh yeah - David is in heaven" - having everything in the home stay where I put it - signing cards "I" instead of "We" - and finding a different kind of joy.
There is, indeed, joy every day. It is just different.
I called this a battle because it is. Part of me is still "fighting" to not accept this reality of change in my life. I'm accepting it, but, every once in a while, the rebellious Mary says - "I don't want to accept this." Therein lies the battle. Along with acceptance comes peace - and since I want peace, I must accept the facts. Reality. Change.
I kind of feel like an amputee - part of me has been taken away - yet, I have on a replacement part - I look okay and work well enough - but I'm just not as good as before the amputation. My life is good and works well enough - but it is just not as good as when David walked alongside me.
I could not have imagined God would ever give me the kind of life and love He gave me through David. Is it possible that I cannot imagine a future as wonderful that God still has planned? "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you hope and a future."
I do look forward to His plans.
Love,
Mary