Thursday, February 26, 2009

Drinking In A Memory

Drinking in the memory – standing in Stienmart in Florida – looking around slowly at the ladies clothes – there it is again – David over there – looking at clothes for me. “Hon, try this.” As common as the sun greeting us each morning over the ocean, his shopping - helping me find outfits - was a usual occurrence in Florida. Slowly walking around the racks, drinking in the smell, closing my eyes to feel the floor below – the same floor he walked with me so many times – steadying myself as the tears begin to flow – enjoying the sweet aroma of this memory.
Sue and I visited 412 – the unit David and I revamped and lived in for over 6 years. We purchased it with pink carpeting and pink grass cloth wallpaper. We rented wallpaper steamers and worked hard to make it beautiful. Then, we hired Claude who tiled the entire unit and took off the popcorn ceiling. We spent a lot of time picking out the right furniture and David spent every evening, after dinner, on the porch watching the ocean and stars. He would slowly step back in, when he was ready for bed, having become inebriated on ocean breezes and moonlight.
When Sue and I saw it, the new owner had changed the unit so much that I didn’t shed a tear. I was expecting to cry out of a desire to be back in the unit with David and all I felt was that David and our unit was gone. It was actually easier to see it changed.
Sometimes, I heal through memories - walking through them. Sometimes I heal by going forward and seeing things changed. Either way, healing is a process for which I am eternally grateful. I begin to accept that many wonderful things I enjoyed with David may not be able to take place again this side of heaven, but will, by the grace of God, still continue to strengthen the love in my heart for him.
May God give you His peace and love with your memories.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Wonderful Love Day :)

Oh - what a wonderful day to celebrate love! Valentine's Day is one of the greatest gifts - just celebrating love. I decided not to focus too much on missing my wonderful husband and to focus on giving love to others. I just gave out candy bags with notes to 16 people in a nursing home. What fun!
One of the notes said, "You are Special" with a Scripture verse beneath it. Isabel, upon reading it, looked at me and asked "Who says I am special?" I said, "Me and God think you are special." "WHO?" she asked. "ME and (pointing upward)GOD!" "Oh", she said, "Because I always thought I was special."
I am overjoyed right now with God's love - overjoyed that when I set out to give love to others, He gave me such a tremendous outpouring of joy!
David used to say that if you feel sorry for yourself, focus on helping someone else. Well, David was right (again :)!!
I celebrate God's gift of Valentine's Day and how much He loves each of us!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Walking with God

As I took a morning walk, taking advantage of 57 degree weather, I asked the Lord and David to walk with me. Listening to the worship songs Ellen put together in our I-Pod for David, the walk began with tears of sweet walk memories with my husband and moved into a time of praise and thanksgiving to my Lord. As I turned the halfway stretch, I began to notice all the litter along the path and thought "If I had known, I would have brought a large garbage bag and one of those sticks to pick some of this up." I walked a little further and, blowing toward me on the sidewalk was a huge empty plastic bag. A very clean bag that must have held many gallons of rice for the school nearby blew right next to me. I picked it up and began bending over as I walked - picking up pop cans, beer bottles, newspapers, styrofoam pieces, juice boxes, milk jugs etc. (even some rice krispie treats)! I looked up to the clouds and said - "Okay, you knew, even though I didn't, that it would be a nice walk for picking up garbage." The bag was full by the time I got home.
He walks with us, He talks to us, He comforts us, He knows. Our Lord knows.
I am so grateful.
For Jesus glory,

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Letting Go Of Anger

Tonight, I went with Ellen to her church because she wanted to see a special singer. I was convicted, during the message, that I was harboring some anger. It would show itself at different times. Sometimes, I had a strong desire to run - nowhere in particular, just run - run away from reality, I guess. Other times, it showed itself by a desire to throw something - wanting to break something. Finally, the anger showed itself in a desire to say some not nice words.

I remember the day I invited the anger in. David and I had just found out his cancer was in his brain and I left to get him some medication. I ran into Dave and Sara in our driveway. They are wonderful friends who listened to me say some frustrated garbage - appropriate, maybe, yet not what I would have liked to have come out of my mouth. They, then, visited Dave while I went to pick up the prescription.

Well, those not nice words were trying to exit my mouth this week, also. I knew they were connected to my anger at what happened to my wonderful husband.

But, after talking to God in prayer during and after the service tonight, I believe I am healed from this anger. I am so grateful. I cannot always be the woman I desire to be, but, now that this anger is gone, I think that Christ has a better chance of operating through my mouth. And, I have a better chance of living in peace, now that the anger produced desires to run and/or throw things is gone :)

May you, and those you love, be blessed with less anger in your lives.

Much love, Mary

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Up and down

Wow - can we go up and down easy. I truly meant it, four hours ago, when I was asked how I was doing and I said "great"! I meant it.
And, I know I'm tired tonight - last night enjoying an overnight with the wonderful grandchildren who can take away a few hours of a good night's sleep, but still make it fun :)
But, missing my best friend. Missing telling stories about how my day was - stories about what I'm thinking and feeling - and having him listen and, then, slowly processing my thoughts and giving me his. David was a wonderful listener. He would really process what I said and give feedback. He allowed me to make mistakes and gently corrected them in my relationships with others or he would encourage me to not spend too much time with others who crossed boundaries.
He had an amazing, sharp sense of discernment and chose who to spend time with thoughtfully.
Wow, I miss his presence in my life. God in him was amazing.
Have a blessed evening,