Sparks

I've been trying to "figure out" what life is like for David. Now, in the Bible, God calls it Paradise and we humans have limited views of Paradise. In fact, I think most of us have different views of what Paradise would be. From my experience with him, Paradise for David is a place where, first of all, he is in God's presence and secondly, he can experience total joy. Joy for David would be cutting grass, or some kind of hard work, followed by a golf game, a good meal and then rest.

I understood David so well - and he understood me well. We could finish each others' sentences, order meals for each other, we knew when to laugh at each other and when not to laugh - and you see - therein lies my dilemma.
In reality, I have no idea what he is really experiencing - for over 15 years, I knew his thoughts, his habits, his likes and dislikes - and I don't believe he has any dislikes now - I'm positive all is good in Paradise -
But - I do miss knowing what he is experiencing, thinking, enjoying. I miss him.

I met a new friend for dinner this week - he talked about his wife and I talked about David. Some friends asked if there were "sparks" between us - I'm not sure how anyone can feel sparks for a new friend when they are in love with their spouse -
I am in love with David and this friend is in love with his wife - even though they are in heaven and we can't enjoy that love the way we would like.

I remember watching TV one evening and David asked - "Who do you think is a good looking actor?", to which I replied - "I don't." "What do you mean?" he asked. "I don't think of other males as good looking - I only think of you."

Sparks - they fly from my heart when I think of David - and they always will.

Enjoy those who make sparks fly in your world :)
Mary

WOW!

June 27, 2010
Wow! How quickly memories can flood your mind with sweetness :)
I was speaking with someone about driving to Florida and suddenly, there I was. In the passenger seat searching the maps for another route for David. He used to call me "Map Challenged" and I was. We drove back and forth so many times I began memorizing the large cities we drove through and the quickest routes around them. But, during the beginning years of our travels, he would ask me for an alternate route and I would look at the map - and - NOTHING - I mean it - nothing looked like another route to me - the map might as well have been in Chinese! We would laugh at each other's shortcomings - Lord knows we both had them -
And, as much as I laugh now - I do think I learned to laugh at myself through laughing with him. One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is love with acceptance - the kind of acceptance that says "You are not perfect, but I accept you just as you are and love you." There were no conditions on his love for me and I learned how to love others' that way.
Another gift - he loved to teach and I was not always the best pupil. Right before he was diagnosed, he gave me an hour golf lesson in a sand trap and I remember him thanking me for having a "teachable spirit" that day. I was thanking him for the lesson and he was thanking me for being teachable - wow - what fun.
I have seen growth in the grieving process in the sand traps - I no longer cry when I am in them - I did - and not just because it meant a tough golf game that day :)
May you be wowed today - may you enjoy some sweetness to some memories - and enjoy unconditional love from someone - because that is Christ loving you through them.
Much love,
Mary

Caulking

March 29, 2010
It was a posting on Caring Bridge. David mentioned doing something "normal" and caulking the bathroom shower floor while listening to oldies music one sunny day after his cancer diagnosis. Caulking - he loved to "putz" around our home and accomplish something.
So, caulking today was a new step forward for me. I have done it before but gladly turned it over to David once we married. It was okay for me not to try to fit a small line of wet gook in a tight space for 15 years :)
I think it looks okay - and if it doesn't, that is okay, too.
It is kind of amazing how much meaning things can have to us - how many memories can be ignited with simple things.
I am so grateful for the gift of memory - that God allows us to remember things - what a blessing.
As I imagine David walking by Jesus' side, enjoying things so wonderful that I can't possibly imagine them, I like to think that every once in a while they look down together and watch - David smiles and says to Jesus "There goes our girl - she's moving forward." And, Jesus might reply - "Yeah - that's why I gave her to you - I knew everything you two would experience and I knew that when your days on earth were complete, she would be grateful and move forward."
Love you,
Mary

Shine

Isn't it wonderful that we get an opportunity to shine like stars in the universe? Isn't it wonderful that God gives us the option - to focus on Him or circumstances? I am so grateful. I am so thankful.
I focus tonight on Christ's love - so strong that He died for me. Amazing. How He loves us - amazing!
Enjoy the love of a wonderful Creator who chose you to walk this earth alongside me - at this time and for this season. May you continue to marvel at how Awesome Our God is!
Much love,
Mary

"Well"

When someone asks how I am doing, I usually say "wonderful, great, etc." and I mean it. Yesterday, when a friend asked and I spoke to her about God taking away my desire to move to Kansas City - God assuring me that I belonged in Aurora, she mentioned that she didn't know I had wanted to move - that I had "hid it well". I'm writing today because I'm not hiding anything. I am usually - 85% of the time - doing wonderful, great, etc. and that is what most of my friends and family will see. There is, however, a small percentage of me that, ever since David went to heaven, wants to run. I think psychologists call this the "fight or flight" way of relating. This feeling of wanting to run - and keep running - may be associated with the desire to get away from the pain of staying. You see, staying means facing all the usual things you shared with someone wonderful - facing them differently. When they were so good together, you really don't want to face them differently. Now, I know, different can be good, also, but the "wonder" of these experiences, places and times together is something you don't want to see different. You want to keep them. And, it seems like it is easier to keep them if you go somewhere new - somewhere else. At least, it has seemed that way for me. The pain of staying is associated with "losing" this wonderful person's participation alongside you - so it seems sweeter to start something new so those places and times together can stay very sweet and don't have to be different.
I've been given a great gift. I've been given a relationship with a living God who walks with me and talks with me throughout every decision I make.
As we were talking recently, it became clear to me that my life - a wonderful life David set up in Aurora - has a great future. I can stay living in a wonderful home with wonderful neighbors and utilize a sport David and I love - what an honor.
It is almost like God and David set this up for me and I wanted to run from it because I couldn't share it any longer with David.
So, if you ask how I am doing - I am doing wonderful - 85% of the time.
Love you,
Mary

The Wonder Of It All

It seems so easy to see "wonder" at this time of year. So many signs of Christ being present - in conversations, greetings and gift exchanging. The ultimate, original gift of Christmas being God's Son, Jesus, makes our gift giving so minor in comparison. But, every small token of love given expresses a small piece of wonder. Thinking of others - keeping the focus off of ourselves - it is a great time of the year.
Keeping the focus on Jesus can be difficult - we are pulled in so many different directions for our attention - feasting, gathering, remembering and shopping - oh my - there is a battle to be won.
Christ won a battle for me with a visual aid on Christmas Eve. I had spent most of the day remembering all that David loved about Christmas Eve. Appetizers, candle light at service, children, grandchildren, gift giving - he loved it all - and I was "drunk" with memories that were sweet yet painful. Later that evening, I watched my 5 year old granddaughter carefully hold her cousin - a baby who was enjoying the family - yet, the 5 year old was coughing. We hoped she would keep a little distance from her baby cousin in order to not pass anything on to her. It was a selfless thing to do and not quite understood by a 5 year old who wanted the presence of her cousin on her lap.
Then, I saw myself - wanting to hold David and not being selfless - not accepting our distance apart for now and being selfish.
I remember saying to the 5 year old - "you will be able to be with her again, but for today, it is good for her that you keep your distance" and I realized those words were meant for me. I will be able to be with David again, but for today, it is good for him and me (and all I get to be with) to keep my distance.
I think God is so good to give me a selfless visual - I can see now what selflessness looks like for me - or should - if I keep my focus on God.
I expect each day to be brighter - what an amazing God we serve!
Enjoy the Wonder of His Season for Giving - and His greatest Gift - His Son who purchased eternity for us! Amazing.
Love you,
Mary

"Seasons"

Well, how awesome is God to continue to teach us throughout seasons of life! I am feeling so much growth in so many areas and wanted to share a huge one for me.
Over the past year and a half - yes - as of yesterday it has been a year and a half since David went to heaven - and over that time, thoughts of fellowship with others have taken me to many places. One important place for me was thoughts of not being able to have David as my partner - and, OH - how I loved having him as my partner. So, I entertained thoughts of another partner someday who would pour into my life some of the wonder David poured into it. I knew I would be happy with just a sampling of what we shared together in another relationship.
Last month, the Lord spoke to me about pursuing my relationship with Him and no other partner. I really appreciate the wisdom of that more each day. I've come to believe that the reason I should pour my time and energy into my relationship with Jesus is because my heart is already full of the love for David and Jesus - I don't need to think of anyone else. This may sound simplistic, but I was confused with thoughts of needing to find another partner because I couldn't have that relationship with David any longer. Christ has shown me that I still have that relationship with David - somehow, my love for him continues to grow - "absense makes the heart grow fonder" - and I can honestly say that I love him more and more each day.
So, I am not only content, but excited to be through with thoughts of other partners - I am holding onto the love of the most wonderful partner God created for me and the love of the most wonderful Creator of my heart, Jesus Christ. I am totally fulfilled to overflowing with love from these two and looking forward to the future with, I think, a proper perspective for my heart.
May we all find proper perspectives that work for our lives - it was for freedom that Christ set us free - I feel so free!
Praise the Lord, Mary